I'm alive

Hello! I have missed writing and talking with/to you. I have debated what to type here and how often to post. I can't decide whether to keep this strictly related to the LAM issue or also talk about other subjects dear to my heart. I imagine it will be a mix of both. Hope you enjoy it regardless. Some things I find funny/ironic/strange, well one thing anyway. The look people give you when they see you. I suppose I do the same thing to others when I am in their shoes, but hadn't really thought about it until I am on the receiving end. I may have talked about this before, but it hit me today. People I see more often, just love on me, hug me and laugh and joke with me like always, but those I do not see that much, and who know what is going on healthwise with me, look at me and get an awkward look, a sad look. Sometimes a look like they wish they could change things for me but can't. Please understand I probably do the same thing, so I am not condemning them, it's just something I noticed, as when you get a new vehicle and suddenly "everyone" seems to be driving the same kind/color etc. It is just what happens. Your scope of life changes and suddenly you are more aware of certain things. A Dr. I know walked by me today, waved bye, then in the next second, she forlornly looked at me. I saw it and I do not know in that instant who felt the most sad for the other, she for me or me for her. :) I ached that she ached for me? Is that weird? It's okay, I fully understand, just not used to it. What I want to say is "Look at me like I am alive! I am! I want to live like I am alive!" I hadn't thought about my situation for a while until I saw her look. And really, it is okay. I know she cares, and probably prays for me, or at least thinks of me and wishes me the best. I am grateful; just talking out loud. I think what it is, -is this, when I look at myself in the mirror, I do not see someone with a disease, I just see me- (actually I see someone older than me- I often don't recognize that person ha ha). Then being the over-analyzer I am, I wonder if others feel this way too- or if it is just me. I have decided however to try to not give that sad look to others I know who are going through things, just to hug on them, love them and show them through words or otherwise how alive they really are! **On another note, I hate goodbyes. I am not good at them at all. I get very attached to people and don't do well when they leave, (meaning I am sad and want them to stay). I love people and want them to stay around. God though puts people in our path for a season and when it's time for me to go or them to go, it is hard. I do not suppose it will ever get easy. Too many people lately have been leaving, in one way or another lately. It is not fun. I wish them all the best. Until next time, be happy, healthy and safe.