What if?

Today was a mixed bag (yesterday), I do well most of the time I think mainly because I am around the children all the time, and when I get a minute to myself then I have too much time to think. Too much time to think about the what if's. Another beautiful sunny day, I actually got to watch the children (most of them) in their bible quiz meet. They did quite well, they were glad I was there, and I was certainly glad to watch them again, it's been a while due to our schedules. I don't even know if it's the what ifs hitting in; it may be more of a wishing I could trade half my life. Although, no, not even trade. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. There would be no joy in that. Just some times I forget for a little bit that I know more now than I did a bit ago. Just some times I wake up and for a brief second all is right with the world. What if I don't make it long enough to see my children grown? What then? Will they be okay? Who will love on them and hug them tight? To whom will they run to and tell their funny stories and adventures? How will they cope with the loss of me, their mother? You know that's every child's worst fear, to lose their parent or both. Don't you remember being little and wondering what would happen to you if your parent died? Would they be financially stable? Would they make the right choices in life? Who would be there to help guide them like I do? What if they get angry at me and feel abandoned by me after I have gone? All these fears creep in, like the progression of winter nights and soon it is very dark. I begin to wonder when the stability of my emotions will come to light. When will this cyclical feeling of despair and sadness, followed by hope and joy, level out into flat out joy and peace. Is this normal? When will it go? Will it ever go? Will I be like this until it's over? Yes, I realize how melodramatic this sounds. But I have to be real, with God, with me, with you or what else is there? I keep waiting for this big period of crying to come. The chest-heaving, massive sobs. Mostly what I find happens is little tears at various times/situations, just leak out. How fitting that the band Plumb, is on playing now. One of my favorite lines is "Standing on a road I didn't plan." "Just keep breathing." (This I find a most ironic line) and "God, I need you now." This song fits my life. I take great comfort in it. I need to write them and see if they will come and do a fundraiser with me for the LAM foundation. I wonder if they know what a difference they are making for me and others. I need to let them know. Another unique thing that has transpired as of late, is the song "Oceans" from Hillsong church. I was attending a women's conference and that song came on. I had heard of it before as my girls like to listen to it, but I had never really listened to the words in the way I did that day. They played it and I sang it with all my heart and meant every word I said to the Lord. You can play it on you tube if you haven't heard it. One of the lines, says "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." Think about it- I sang this and meant it, my feet could never go where this is taking me, my brain could never wrap itself around something like this to give me, so that I would grow closer to the Lord! (and take others with me) but God in his infinite wisdom and love, allowed this to happen for many good reasons, a lot that are yet to be known. Talk about trust without borders!! Wow, yes-- saying it is one thing, I meant it and now I get the opportunity to trust the one who made me. Who better yet to trust with my life, and indeed my childrens' lives, than our beautiful Savior. So, once again, what started out for bad, is yet again made precious when you bring it back over and realize the one who made you, loves you more than you can imagine and only longs to do good things for you. Have a wonderful night.